Today, in Italy and Uruguay’s World Cup match, two of the sport’s most despicable stars converged upon one another in a moment so deplorable and typical, it could only leave one laughing at the clownish personas of these two characters.
So in case you are bereft of access to social media, or have been living in a cave without cable (lame), then here is what you missed:
You really couldn’t have witnessed a moment that more epitomized Italian football and the lunacy of Luiz Suarez simultaneously. It was fantastic.
First of all, the game itself was so foul it deserved a big, smelly dook smear to be left as an indelible image. Italy had already garnered a yellow card for a flying-Balotelli head kick and a red card for a lovely shin slash right in front of the referee. Fouls were piling up like a plate of meatballs while players on both sides were flopping about like soggy linguine. Italy’s flopper-magnifico Georgio Chiellini had already crumpled to the pitch so many times it began to look like the Azzuri were playing with 10 men and a pitiful, slowly dying insect.
Meanwhile, Uruguay’s repeat offender Luiz Suarez showed that he, too, was capable of souring a game with an endless display of histrionics every time he was touched. Any time a tackle came in Suarez might as well have been dismissed from a canon, grimacing like he was at the wrong end of a Jack Bauer interrogation.
To the viewer’s delight (or dismay), Chiellini and Suarez were naturally matched up against one another most of the game. Something grand or horrible was bound to happen in light of their remarkable talent and equally wearisome antics. And in a moment that will go down in flopper lore, Chiellini and Suarez disgraced themselves in ways most fitting.
When watching live, all you could see initially was the two men lying on the pitch, agonizing as usual, as if perhaps one looked at the other and couldn’t each help but feign aggravated assault. Or perhaps they collided awkwardly going for a ball, as often happens. But as the camera closes in, it appears Chiellini is legitimately hurt, clutching his head and neck, as if Suarez kicked or elbowed him. Suarez, meanwhile, is holding his mouth, as if Chiellini returned the favor and busted him in the mouth. And then we see the replay, and these two caricatures are exposed for the complete farces they in fact are! Suarez has apparently, for the third time in his hellustrious career (the third documented time, mind you) bit another man during a game, this time on Chiellini’s shoulder. And instead of punching Suarez in his cabeza, or just yelling “OWW!,” Chiellini falls over like he’s received a deathblow from a vampire. When in the history of mankind has a shoulder bite sent a man tumbling to the ground?! This is unprecedented! Only an Italian footballer could pull off such a pathetic feat! And then-THEN!- upon seeing Chiellini fall to the ground, Suarez grabs his mouth and immediately wilts to the mat. Holy shitake mushrooms. What, sir, will be your story? That your mischievous choppers which appear to have a perverse taste for sweaty soccer unis mistakenly found their way sunken into another player’s shoulder? And that hurt your mouth, so bad that it made you fall over? Oh, woe is you Luiz Suarez. I feel so horrible you once again must suffer the pain of aggressively gnawing on a man’s flesh like it’s a doggy bone. How grieved we are that you have once more endured the physical consequences of attempting an act that many trained beasts do not. I hope your mouth heals so that you will have another opportunity to chew an opponent’s arm off the next time FIFA lets you out on the field, assuming you are not banned for life or whisked away to solitary confinement with a Hannibal Lector-esque muzzle. Sheesh pots.
Needless to say, this lowlight in World Cup history will make for hilarious memes and banter for years to come. Hooray.