Do you wish your workplace was cool? Like, you could walk into the office and be greeted by a robot offering you an expresso? A quick stop by the break room on steroids, where you consume free bonbons from a magical chocolate dispenser and put on special glasses because the morning news report on the projector screen is in IMAX. And then on to your desk (just past the game room, entertainment room, and relaxation room) where you ensconce yourself in a La-Z-Boy recliner, have Ana the Swedish supermodel massage your shoulders into soup, and begin sorting your emails as “gift certificates from boss” and “gift certificates from boss’s boss.”

Yeah right.

But it’s 2014, most of us don’t work at a paper mill anymore, and we millennials and Gen Yers expect our workplace to have a few toys. But I’m hear to tell you that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. I mean, yes, a ping pong table at work sounds ethereal. But when you’re playing ping pong at work at 6 on a Friday, you’re still AT WORK AT 6 ON A FRIDAY.

And there are lots of things like this, things all of us assume would be neat to have at work but really just blur the lines of the office and home. So here are three “cool” things my workplace is missing that I’m OK with:

1. Video Games- This is a really good idea for an office setting never. You can’t have something that fun so close to activities that can be rather mundane. Either I can fill out the TPS report or I can go pretend to fight a monster. Well unless I am allergic to having fun, I’m going to go fight a pretend monster every time. And when I’m not fighting him, the mundane task will seem that much more life-suckingly cumbersome. Plus, gamers have no self-control. If you give him, like, his favorite thing to do in the whole world he is going to abuse it. Yes, the office will be more fun. But when you swing by the entertainment room and see Zach and Dylan noshing Doritos, pounding Five Hour Energys and stinking like stale gym socks, you’ll realize why nothing has gotten done in three days.

2. Beer- It might surprise you to hear that I wouldn’t want beer at my workplace. But if there is time for a beer, then there is time to go home. Or a bar. Or somewhere I can relax without hearing my inbox ding. And there would probably be a rule like you couldn’t have one until after 5. But that’s like sitting in a bar all day and not being able to have a beer.

3. Dog- There’s nothing like a furry friend to keep us company and serve as our resident mascot. But am I willing to put up with a dog at home and at work? I’m really not interested in being late for a meeting because I stepped in something. I don’t want to tell a customer she needs to speak up because Fido is incessantly barking at a Spandexed man riding a scooter outside. I don’t want to be on the brink of an epic idea and lose it because of an unexpected and forceful snout into my crotch. Fido, STAY home.

Do you wish your workplace had something cool? Let me know what it is so that I can depress you back to reality. That’s why I’m here.