In past years, I have published a “fruitcake blog” at the end of the year. Here’s an excerpt from the first one three years ago, followed by some fresh (okay, semi-fresh) material!

For some reason I can’t throw away these ideas that I’ve jotted down this past year but never used. They were once great in my mind and I can’t help but think they still have some value. Like a good baker who feels confident he has been cooking up some tasty treats, it’s time to clear the crap off the table and bake some fresh goods. And so it is for this blogger and the New Year. My gift to you for reading all year (trust me, I appreciate you) is a dry, stale, crusty fruitcake, consisting of all my ideas that didn’t make the cut to become a main course. Who knows, maybe you’ll find a gem or two in this fruitcake, or as Jim Gaffigan would have it, “a skittle or a treasure map.” Bon appetit!

Walk Hard- Not

Recently I picked up a copy of Strengths Finder, a little book that helps you understand your gifts so that you can develop them into strengths. I was surprised to find that one of my gifts was not walking. It’s something I’m especially good at. I realize that not everyone can walk, and that most likely one day I won’t be able to either. I’m thankful I can walk now. And I’m pretty sure I failed to mention how good I am at it. It’s because I have more than 30 years of experience. I’ve done it everyday. You might say I’m a master. When people tell me to walk confidently, I’m like, “No sweat, bro. It’s second nature. I can walk excellently while even talking on my phone or eating a knockwurst. In fact, you should be more confident in my walking. Watch confidently.”

I’ve figured out my stellar walking record has made for a ridiculous and unrealistic expectation. I’m bound to stumble now and then and when I do, I get really bent out of shape. That’s what is so infuriating about stubbing a toe. Days and days on end I’m going from place to place without a hitch, the streak growing and growing to the admiration and applause of bystanders, until suddenly my progress is impeded by a small, immovable force which totally could’ve been avoided, had I not been so wrapped up in my own perambulatory awesomeness.

Don’t Judge a Man by His Hubcaps

What is it about hubcaps that make us prideful or depressed about our cars? When my car has all of its hubcaps, I feel put together, a gentleman of the road. I see other drivers missing a hubcap and feel sorry for them. Then my car loses a hubcap. Suddenly I feel poor, ashamed and self-conscious, as if I was driving a stolen car around with a trunk full of banned substances. Then I see a guy with no hubcaps, who probably sees my three hubcaps as an embarrassment of riches and wishes he could upgrade his jalopy to a serviceable piece of crap like mine.

The Critique of Dumb Spam

I love the reoccurring senselessness of Spam mail. Check out this email:

I’m promised a 10-second trick that will change my life, but am instructed to watch a video presentation to do so. A 10-second trick to reverse aging does not take a video presentation. It takes a sentence. “Put a bag over your head and say ‘for reals’ more.” “Make funny faces and give those face muscles some exercise.” “Go to a place with lots of skeletons around feel like a kid again.” If it only takes 10 seconds, just tell me right now. I just took twenty seconds to read your dumb email. That video should be negative 10 seconds just so I can have my time back.

That’s it! The old material is done. You can sit back, swig some Pepto and digest this fruity feast and rest assured I’m bringing the heat with fresh stuff in the new year. Happy New Year!