Why You and I Are Dorks

Screech-Powers-Style-IconIf you don’t think you’re a dork, give me five minutes to convince you otherwise.

A dork is someone who is weird, has odd interests, and occasionally executes social faux pas. You might immediately think of classic dork personas and their antics, such as Screech Powers repelling girls and jocks alike at Bayside High, or Steve Urkel proving to us the human is boundless in pants waistline height and affinity for cheese. If I’ve dated myself with these characters it’s because I’m not sure who the token sitcom dork is nowadays, since I don’t really watch much TV. I think only being able to make references about stuff that happened 20 years ago qualifies me as a dork.

But this is supposed to be about you and why you’re a dork. And I assure you that you are. We like to pretend that just because we have friends and can make decent conversation, we are normal. But we do so many odd things it’s almost weird to do something normal. Just think of what you do with your body. Do you ever spend minutes at a time assembling the hair on your head to optimize your bald spot? Dork. Ever take a bath with guacamole on your face and slices of cucumber over your eyes? Dork. Ever bite your nails or peel skin off a callus and assemble the little pieces into an organized pile? Super dork.

By the way, your social group is not immune to dorkiness. It’s typical for jocks to razz the Trekkies, but you’re not off the hook, sports fan. If you know the shooting percentage of the starting five of your team, you are a dork. If you scour the Interwebs for fantasy insight and tweak your roster every time you use the bathroom, you’re a dork. Do you obsess over your favorite player? I’m sure you know everything, from his favorite Asian noodle to where he procured his gold-plated bidet. That is so dorky you just grew a pair of taped-up, broken-framed bifocals.

And don’t think you’re cool, Batchelor fan. You had a “Finale Party” with chocolate and wine and you obsessed over the humdrum nature of a Venezuelan mimbo named Juan Pablo. You’re following Batchelor families you don’t know on Instagram, celebrating their adoption of a new cat or “liking” a potholder their granny knitted. 30 million viewers, 30 million dorks.

Oh, and nerds. You’re not getting off the hook. You’re a dork and you own it, which means if dorkiness was ever cool then you’ve uncooled it. The World of Warcraft session has carried on far too long and it’s time you took a shower. Clean up the Doritos bags and see what a piece of fruit tastes like.

I could go on, but the point is that you and I do all sorts of strange things, which everyone else observes and concludes that we are weirdos. Even if you are a really cool guy and have excellent hair gel, you looked like a freakin’ dork putting that crap on your head. Even if you’re a highly attractive female who constantly garners the attention of boys, your best friends know that you obsess over eyebrow plucking and your awkwardness in high heels leaves you prone to crushing your ankle at any moment. Think of the least dorkiest people in existence. George Clooney? Ryan Gosling? You tellin’ me they don’t pick and flick their boogers in private? C’mon, don’t be naive! Those homeboys are dorks!

So even though you’re a dork, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. You’re a dork because you’re a human, and all humans are weird. Certainly there are varying degrees, but instead of instantly judging folks who are different than us, let’s admit their less subtle quirks probably aren’t too different from the goofy things we do in private. Own your goofy stuff and bring it into the light. After all, dork self-actualization is the coolest thing going.



  1. I’m finally looking at myself in an honest true light. I’d say more but I’m running out of my 0 and 1s.


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