It’s December, and I’d like to share my Christmas list so you guys can buy me stuff. I must say though, my list isn’t what it used to be. Shopping for me wasn’t too difficult then, there were plenty of thing I wanted or needed. Now, I am older and boring a don’t need much, but still need to give some kind of wish list so I don’t get seven pairs of penguin pajama pants.

So this year, here’s what I’m asking for:

Black Dress Socks- Not green socks or fancy patterned socks, but plain, boring, I-can’t-believe-my-gift-to-you-this-year-is-black-socks black socks. Of course, I don’t like black dress socks. They don’t jive with my colorful personality and they look awful without pants on. But colorful, patterned socks have one fatal flaw: you need both to match. I have a drawer full of lovely socks I can’t wear because their match is somewhere in the abyss of a hamper. So what I really need is a drawer full of black dress socks. When I lose a black sock, I won’t even realize it’s gone. There will be 19 more for me to pick from. No more wasting time figuring out what to wear. I’ll have an extra minute every morning to find a way to spill coffee on myself.

Big Crescent Wrench– I have several small crescent wrenches. They’re just big enough to look like they’ll get the job done without actually delivering. There’s nothing like wriggling under a toilet to remove a screw only to realize you have an inadequate tool. My life needs a crescent wrench worth its salt, one that will go to war with me on a Saturday morning under a toilet.

German Pens- I’m a writer but my pens stink. People tell me I need German pens. Apparently, like so many things, the Germans don’t screw around when it comes to quality writing utensils. While shopping Faber Castell’s website, I found the Pen of the Year, which was $3,000. A pen that expensive should come with a small rocket and the ability to read minds.  I’ll settle for one that produces full pen strokes and writes a sentence saying “I am fond of speaking your name.” instead of “I am fond of spanking your nome.”

Cologne– This is strange for me because I’m not really a cologne guy. I have nothing against cologne guys and appreciate good-smelling men. I myself like to smell good, but I’m more concerned with not smelling bad. I’m ok smelling like soap, or whatever men who don’t wear cologne smell like. I suppose there is something desirable about smelling like nothing and remaining anonymous. Do I want to walk by people and have them think, “Gosh that man smells good” or “Was that a man that walked by?” There are advantages to both. If my wife likes me smelling like a cologne guy, then I’m all in and need some good cologne. But if others can enjoy my presence without me releasing pungent aromas from my person, maybe I’ll continue to settle for “guy who smells a little like shower and soap.”

Well that’s it. I understand that shopping for me this year will be incredibly boring. You’re welcome to get creative and buy something not on my list that you think I’d like. Just don’t assume it’s penguin pajama pants. Because it’s not.